Rearing Children in Love and Righteousness

Rearing our children in love and righteousness allows our children to develop in healthy ways to "progress toward perfection," as well as to provide parents with needed growth:

"In the course of teaching and nurturing children in a family setting, parents can learn and grow by practicing godly virtues that lead to sanctification." (Successful Marriages and Families: Proclamation Principles and Research Perspectives Edited by Alan J. Hawkins, David C. Dollahite, Thomas W. Draper)

"Rearing children in love and righteousness, as the proclamation admonishes, requires the best effort parents have to offer. Nevertheless, the rewards of such well-placed time and attention are eternal."  (Successful Marriages and Families: Proclamation Principles and Research Perspectives Edited by Alan J. Hawkins, David C. Dollahite, Thomas W. Draper)

I would like to share some of the information I've read about raising children from my textbook Successful Marriages and Families: Proclamation Principles and Research Perspectives Edited by Alan J. Hawkins, David C. Dollahite, Thomas W. Draper:

"Righteous parenting emphasizes charity, gentleness, kindness, long-suffering, persuasion, and appropriate discipline in a warm and nurturing relationship (D&C 121:39–46)"(Successful Marriages and Families: Proclamation Principles and Research Perspectives Edited by Alan J. Hawkins, David C. Dollahite, Thomas W. Draper)

"In order to promote optimal development and to rear children in love and righteousness, the following are crucial elements for each child, although specific implementations and approaches may be individualized based upon the needs and personality of the particular child:
• Love, warmth, and support • Clear and reasonable expectations for competent behavior
• Limits and boundaries with some room for negotiation and compromise
• Reasoning and developmentally appropriate consequences and punishments for breaching estab-lished limits
• Opportunities to perform competently and make choices
• Absence of coercive, hostile forms of discipline, such as harsh physical punishment, love with-drawal, shaming, and inflicting guilt
• Models of appropriate behavior consistent with self-control, positive values, and positive attitudes" (Successful Marriages and Families: Proclamation Principles and Research Perspectives Edited by Alan J. Hawkins, David C. Dollahite, Thomas W. Draper)

Parenting styles can be divided into 3 categories: coercive or authoritarian, permissive, and authoritative.  I will focus on the benefits of an authoritarian parenting style.

"Authoritative parenting fosters a positive emotional connection with children, provides for regulation that places fair and consistent limits on child behavior, and allows for reasonable child autonomy in decision making. This style creates a positive emotional climate that helps children be more open to parental input and direction, and allows for parents to individualize child rearing as encouraged by Brigham Young when he enjoined parents to “study their [children’s] dispositions and their temperaments, and deal with them accordingly” (Widtsoe, 1978, p. 207)." (Successful Marriages and Families: Proclamation Principles and Research Perspectives Edited by Alan J. Hawkins, David C. Dollahite, Thomas W. Draper)

As you reflect on scriptures and phrases that refer to a "spare the rod, spoil the child" viewpoint, how does the meaning change when you consider the scriptural meaning of rod = word of God?

"Elder Joe J. Christensen (1999, p. 9) counseled:

"We should avoid spoiling children by giving them too much. In our day, many children grow up with distorted values because we as parents overindulge them. . . . One of the most important things we can teach our children is to deny themselves. Instant gratification generally makes for weak people."

"David O. McKay (1955, p. 26) observed,

“Children are more influenced by sermons you act than by the sermons you preach." 

Children raised in authoritative homes tend to have many positive qualities, such as; friendly, self-motivated, communicative, academically inclined, less aggressive or delinquent behavior, more self-controlled, and more capable of moral reasoning.

"authoritative parenting consists of three well-defined and researched characteristics: connection, regulation, and autonomy. These characteristics might also be referred to as love, limits, and latitude (Hart, Newell, & Haupt, 2008)"  

Love:

"Brigham Young (1864, p. 2) counseled, “Kind looks, kind actions, kind words, and a lovely, holy deportment toward them will bind our children to us with bands that cannot easily be broken; while abuse and unkindness will drive them from us.” 

" Specifically, research has documented that children are less aggressive and more sociable and empathetic if they have parents (particularly fathers) who are more loving, patient, playful, responsive, and sympathetic to children’s feelings and needs."

 "President Ezra Taft Benson (1990, p. 32) counseled parents:

"Take time to be a real friend to your children. Lis-ten to your children, really listen. Talk with them, laugh and joke with them, sing with them, play with them, cry with them, hug them, honestly praise them. Yes, regularly spend unrushed one-on-one time with each child. Be a real friend to your children."

 "Sister Marjorie Hinckley was an excellent example. Speaking of her mother-in-law, Kathleen H. Hinckley writes,

"When I called her for advice, she verbalized some-thing I would say over and over to myself for many years to come, “Just save the relationship.” I believe those words are the most simple and powerful parenting principle I have ever learned (Pearce, 1999, p. 56)."

Limits:

 “I teach the people correct principles, and they govern themselves” (Joseph Smith, 1865, Journal of Discourses, 10:57–58).

Teaching our children in non-coercive ways to govern their own behavior can be challenging.  It takes patience, creativity, and prayer.  And a willingness to allow them to make and learn from mistakes.

 "In all cases, discipline or correction should be motivated by a sincere interest in teaching children correct principles rather than merely to exert control, exercise dominion, or vent anger." 

 "In authoritative homes, parents are clear and firm about rules and expectations. Unlike coercive parents who administer harsh, domineering, arbitrary punishments, authoritative parents are confrontive by proactively explaining reasons for setting rules and by administering corrective measures promptly when children do not abide by the rules (Baumrind et al., 2010)... [and] authoritative parents are firm and consistent in following through in a calm and clear-headed manner when violations occur."

And here is one I really like and can attest to the truth of it:

 "Research has shown that when firm habits of good behavior are established early in life through parental regulatory practices that include limit-setting, a judicious use of punishment, positive reinforcement, and reasoning, parents are better able to relax control as their children grow older (Baumrind, 1996b)." 

"Through parents’ loving reassurance and gentle persua-sion as well as children’s participation in personal and public religious experiences, children will more likely "lay hold upon the word of God” (Helaman 3:29) and remain faithful (Top & Chadwick, 1998)." 

Latitude or autonomy: 

" Children benefit from being given choices and appropriate levels of latitude to make their own decisions in a variety of domains. Children learn and grow by learning how to make choices within limits that are acceptable to parents" 

"Authoritative parents teach with warmth and responsiveness, which allows a give-and-take relationship with their children. Differences are respected and valued. Parental communication is open and nonjudgmental, with more emphasis on listening to understand rather than on talking. Respect for authority and independent thinking and feeling are valued, rather than being seen as conflicting principles."  

Parents should try to maintain a positive to negative interactions ratio of 5 or 6 to 1.  

Try to say no to children's requests only when necessary.

"A daughter of President Heber J. Grant shared the following insights: In matters of small importance, father seldom said “No” to us. Consequently, when he did say “No,” we knew he meant it. His training allowed us to make our own decisions whenever possible. He always explained very patiently just why he thought a cer-tain procedure was unwise and then he would say, “That’s the way I feel about it; but of course, you must decide for yourself.” As a result, our decision was usually the same as his. He was able somehow to motivate us to want to do the right thing rather than to be forced to do it (The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, 2002, p. 200)."

"When children and teens are given latitude for deci-sion making in areas that matter less, they are more likely to feel trusted and empowered to choose rightly and conform to parental expectations that matter more."

"It is the pattern of interaction, or the climate the parenting style creates in the home, that makes the difference. When parents try to be unified and consistent in employing an authoritative style with balancing characteristics of love, limits, and latitude, children have more chance at optimal growth and joy, and there will be more peace in spousal and parental relationships."

Research suggests that in homes with authoritarian parenting style, parents tend to have greater influence than peers in matters of greater importance, like moral and spiritual matters, while peers have more influence in superficial matters such as style of hair and clothes, music, etc.

 "Parents are more likely to have influence on core values that are reflected in religiosity, political persuasion, and educational plans, to name a few (Collins, Maccoby, Steinberg, Hetherington, & Bornstein, 2000; Sebald, 1986)."

 "For example, it is the quality of the parent–child relationship that more often determines the type of peers that teenagers choose and whether they accept and adhere to parental values (Furman, Simon, Shaffer, & Bouchey, 2002; Laird et al., 2003; Zhou et al., 2002)" 

Also, religiosity of families has shown to lead to "greater moral maturity".